Canadian Mennonite
Volume 12, No. 20
Oct. 13, 2008
Elder Abuse
A nasty little secret
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“My God, I put my hope in you: I have trusted in you since I was young. I have relied on you all my life; you have protected me since the day I was born. Do not reject me now that I am old; do not abandon me now that I am feeble. You have taught me ever since I was young, and I still tell of your wonderful acts. Now that I am old and my hair is grey, do not abandon me, O God! Be with me while I proclaim your power and might to all generations to come” Psalm 71:5-6, 9, 17-18.
A pastor receives a phone call from Sarah*, a distraught 74-year-old woman, telling him that her son Bob* (names are pseudonyms) has been beating her for years—since he took her into his home to live—and she can’t take it any longer.
The pastor is taken aback by the call because Bob is on the church council and has shown no sign of being aggressive in any way. Doubt fills the pastor’s mind as to the validity of Sarah’s story because it just doesn’t fit with what he has seen in a church setting.
Sarah feels as though she is not being believed and begins to panic that the church will not step in and stop her son from hurting her again. In despair, she hangs up the phone. “Now what? Who can I turn to?” she cries out.
She calls her closest friend, and the story just pours out. Sarah has never told anyone of the abuse before. As it is a small, close-knit community, within a week everyone has heard Sarah’s story.
Sarah moves to her daughter’s home, which is in the same community. But Bob, who has financial power-of-attorney over her affairs, leaves her with few financial means. Her whole world has been turned upside-down in one week.
Her feelings of despair are compounded by Bob’s in-laws, who call her and remind her of Scripture that tells her to “forgive or she will not be forgiven.” Despair turns to despondency and depression sets in.
Bob has not confessed to anyone that he has beaten his mother, and has, in fact, told anyone who would listen that she is the one who was abusive when he was a child. As the small community is relishing all of the salacious talk, it comes back to Sarah that she is now being called an abusive mother.
Believe it
This story is more common than we would like to believe, including in our Mennonite homes, but no one likes to think about our senior citizens being the victims of abuse. Among Mennonites, reports of abuse of senior citizens seem to be more rare, possibly due to the shame factor among our close-knit commu-nities. But they are happening, as Isaac I. Block’s 1991 book, Assault on God’s Image: Domestic Abuse, attests.
Abuse of this age group affects all segments of society. Victims include women and men of all racial, ethnic, religious and income groups. It occurs in urban and rural areas.
Abuse of the elderly was not identified in Canada until the results of a study done in Manitoba in 1982 proved that between 3 percent and 5 percent of senior citizens had been abused physi-cally, financially, emotionally or sexually that year. This estimate is assumed low due to another statistic showing that only 16 percent of abuse cases are actually reported.
What is elder abuse?
It is any form of harm—physical, psychological, financial and sexual abuse—and includes neglect.
Physical abuse includes assault, hair-pulling, hitting, restriction of freedom of movement, and restraint. Psychological abuse includes verbal threats of violence, insults, humiliation and name-calling. Financial abuse includes the theft of money or material goods. Neglect includes the failure to provide the necessities of life, such as food, medication, medical care, heat, shelter or clothing.
Those most likely to be abused are people who are:
• Over 75;
• Women;
• Frail or have cognitive disabilities;
• Living with their abusers;
• Isolated from friends and relatives; or
• Unable to, or are fearful of, reporting abuse that has taken place.
Who is abusing our senior citizens?
Abuse may come at the hands of children, caregivers or even other elderly people (spouses, siblings, or other residents of a nursing or retirement home). Most often it is a family member, though. One elderly couple with a daughter who had a personality disorder and who was also addicted to cocaine, found that items were regularly missing from their home. Years later, the daughter admitted to taking these items, pawning them off and using the money to support her drug addiction.
At times, the primary caregiver, if not given adequate support, may not be able to handle the stress of caring for an elderly family member and may behave abusively towards that person.
Less often, abuse occurs in long-term care facilities. In most cases, abuse there is about a power tactic of one person over another. There is a zero tolerance for abuse in seniors homes and accusations of abuse are to be dealt with immediately by the administrators in these facilities.
What to watch for
If you suspect that someone you know may be a victim of abuse, keep an eye out for:
• Unexplained injuries such as bruises, burns or fractures;
• Unexplained episodes of depression, anxiety or fear; or
• Refusals to answer questions about personal care.
When older people are rarely seen outside of their home, or when visits with friends, family members or people from the church community never seem convenient, abuse may be at the root of the problem. When the general appearance of senior citizens you know indicates a loss of weight, listlessness or unusually pale skin, it may be wise to question how they are being cared for.
Another indicator of abuse—particularly financial abuse—is when bills are not being paid, or when valuables or money go missing.
Why abuse can go unnoticed
Abuse is rarely reported for various reasons, one of which is fear of an escalation of abuse if it is reported. Some elderly people refuse medical treatment because they are concerned that a doctor may discover bruises caused by a person who has behaved abusively. If the abuser is a child of the victim, shame that a loved one could do this may prevent the older person from telling anyone about the abuse.
At times, victims feel powerless to do anything about stopping the abuse, and may feel that they may not be believed should they tell someone about what has happened to them. In cases where dementia is a factor, victims may not trust their own memories of incidences of abuse.
Concerned family members or fellow church congregants need to trust their instincts concerning whether abuse has occurred and respond.
A granddaughter called Voices for Non-Violence, an abuse prevention and response program of Mennonite Central Committee Manitoba, to make inquiries about whether or not her grandfather was being abused by his wife. Her grandfather suffered from dementia and would tell her stories of his abuse, and she couldn’t tell if he was telling a current story or a story from long ago. His unexplained bruises were evidence that the abuse stories were current.
What the Bible has to say
The Bible is full of passages imploring people to respond to abuse and to prevent it from occurring in the first place. Jesus declared in Luke 4:18 that his mission was to bring release to the captives, sight to the blind and freedom to those who are oppressed. Oppression is what people who have been abused for a long period of time experience.
Jesus came to break the cycle of violence and abuse. By his very actions, Jesus showed concern for children, women and the poor, and declared dreadful consequences for anyone who would hurt them (Matthew 18:1-7). Seeking justice and harmony, and journeying towards peace and love, are found in Bible passages such as Colossians 3:12-17, Ephesians 4:1-6 and 6:4, Galatians 5:22-26 and Philippians 2:3-11.
Matthew 18:21-35 relates a story about a servant who owed a king more than he could ever pay back in a lifetime. When the servant begged for mercy, the king forgave the debt. However, this servant then was unmerciful towards another servant who owed him only a day’s wages. However, he refused to be merciful to this other servant, even when mercy was requested.
Sadly, biblical passages like this—that are meant to admonish people for not forgiving financial debts—may be used to force victims of violence to forgive their violators. Too often, the church places the onus on victims to forgive, rather than working with those who have behaved abusively to confess their sin, repent for the pain they have caused, show remorse, and allow time where they can show evidence of a changed heart.
Sowing and reaping
Unfortunately, those who have behaved abusively seldom own up to their abusive actions and generational cycles of abuse may end up being perpetuated, as the following story testifies:
An elderly man lived with his daughter and her family. As the man aged, he became more and more clumsy, breaking one dish after another. Finally, in exasperation, his daughter sent her teenaged son out to purchase a wooden bowl for his grandfather.
“But Mom, wooden bowls are for poor people and for dogs,” the son said, “and it would be insulting for Grandpa to have to eat out of one!”
His mother insisted that he go to the store to purchase a wooden bowl for Grandpa anyway.
An hour later, the son came home with not one, but two, wooden bowls. She asked him, “Why did you purchase two bowls when we only needed one?”
“They were on sale,” he replied. “The other’s for you, Mom, when you get old.”
Preventing abuse before it happens, dealing with it when it does
What churches can do:
• Provide workshops on elder abuse awareness.
• Involve seniors in worship to show that they are valued members of our congregations.
• Develop a telephone help list for seniors that includes the seniors abuse line for your province (see list below), local housing shelters should abuse occur and emergency housing should it become necessary.
• Regularly visit shut-ins, as an extra pair of eyes may be needed to discern whether abuse is taking place
What seniors can do:
• Tell someone you trust that you are being abused.
• Report abuse or neglect to the police.
Online resources:
Canadian Senior’s Abuse Hotlines:
Alberta 1-888-357-9339
British Columbia 1-800-568-0808
Manitoba 1-888-896-7183
New Brunswick 1-506-454-0437
Newfoundland 1-709-726-1411
Northwest Territories 1-800-661-0878
Nova Scotia 1-877-833-3377
Nunavut 1-867-635-8300
Ontario 1-519-371-4357
Prince Edward Island 1-800-289-5656
Quebec 1-514-270-2777
Saskatchewan 1-888-823-2211
Yukon 1-800-563-0808
For discussion
1. Are you aware of elder abuse that has happened in your community? Under what conditions do you think elder abuse is more likely to happen?
2. What steps would you take if you became aware of an elderly person in your congregation who complained of abuse? Are there situations where you would leave a victim in the same home as an abusing caregiver?
3. What experiences have you had in dealing with persons with dementia? How would you assess the validity of their complaints?
4. What are the options for elder care in your community? Do elderly shut-ins from your congregation receive regular visits? How might your community work at improving opportunities for older people?